christmas continued.........

i started the cooking at 9am oh how i enjoyed it. put the small turkey in after having stuffed it with orange peal or is it peel and butter ( sticking my hand in like a professional hahahahah ) and putting bacon rashers across the top followed by foil on top. superb. the sprouts came out beautifully, the potatoes soooooooo tasty and the carrots too. then i packed it all in containers and strapped the big bag to a wheelie and off i went in my little winkle pickers and bright blue 70's dress to mum's. brill brill brill. once there i saw my gorgeous nephew who is such a cutie hahaha then my two who had gone ahead and of course my twin totally out of this world and mum who had a head cold but had made delicious stuffing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well now.........

it was a superb christmas couldnt have gone better. am amazed myself i am hahahahah
first the party the 50th birthday celebration was epic. i looked a beaut v chic sophisticated and the perfect guest hahahahaha food ws delicious and all in all we had a wonderful time. ahhhh the waiters seeing to your every need meraviglioso hahahahahaha
christmas eve we went to taberna restaurant i wasnt in best of moods but it went v well. it rained and mum was a bit ippety and pos irritating but all in all we ate well and it was 150euros. i walked mum back home so on the way back had a fag and it was lovely. i cudhv slept til the cows come home but twasnt to be cos pos in bedroom and simes in lounge. at bowt 8ish i cookd spaghetti alle vongole and fish salad afterwards then me and kids in a terrific thunderstorm went to mari's. we nibbled drank played bingo and cards and had a fantastic laugh til gone 1am!!! the laughter when i said to change places for a photo and mari threw herself onto the settee with her bum in the air oh i had tears streaming down my face hahahahahah
christmas day i was up at 7 grgrgr but had a nice tisan in kitchen with scor then the kids got up at 9ish closed themselves in the lounge and i heard ooohsss and ahhhhs and laughter fantastic. they loved every single present and pos did 'em proud getting simes the psp3 and sony a new mobile phone - exactly what they wanted! he also did me a 50euros recharge so couldnt have wished for more.....to be continued.........

no moaning

yeah ho ho ho its christmas soon but WHERE is my spirit gone?? no christmas spirit to write home to...also cos lems and jak and bru all under the weather well bru has high temperature, pos home ALL OVER CHRISTMAS ffs and too many other worries like gyno mammogram gio's 50th, simes UN thing, simes moaning about my cooking and am the cause of him being so slim, sony's recita and her not pulling her weight in school......insomma non ne posso più. i need an uplifting thing summat that wud really put a spring in my step, summat to make me sparkle like summat from the uk maybe?????yeah my arse totally non-existent not only the ones from my past but even the ones from my present are non-existent. i know i shud just get on with it and not give 'em a moment's thought which i suppose i do but i dont ask for much to have a little buzz every now and then do i???????
mah am actually in quite a positive mood considering am pre-period with all the above worries, am stressed like always, tense to the point of waking up with aches and pains even in places unheard of.........
stomach so far so good almost three weeks am being so fkn careful you wouldnt believe........

cant believe its 21st november already

am so totally out of it man alive!! was really unwell on tuesday and wednesday aches and pains and stomach upset. i couldnt even run for the bus on friday and on thursday i just wanted to crawl into bed. weird....wonder what it was.
am bit better today the aches and pains are less though stomach and bowel movement still leave a lot to be desired. woke up with watery eyes and look like death warmed up.last thing i wanna do is go to the hairdressers and sit there and hear him go on and on :-(((((
found three white hairs on my eyebrows ffs
what a stressful week with him home every sgl fukn day. he had a night flight tel aviv - a night flight ffs but at least i slept better. i woke up much less tense and in a good mood. what a difference!!
on the agenda is new mattresses cos am sure twil make a differnce though dont know how much.
got quite a week coming up:
sunday: theatre with mum, opera groan
monday: postural cos have to collect simes' orthopeadic referral
tuesday: hope to take morning off and clean thoroughly house in the afternoon meeting at russell school and pass by gym to see postural teacher for simes
wednesday: summat is happening but cfthe life of me remember
thursday: likewise
friday: catia really hope i make it to meet her and orthopeadic visit and spanish kid arrives.
i'm not happy
i'm not living
i'm not positive
i'm not in love
i'm devoid of passion
i'm devoid of lust for life
i'm fed up totally and utterly
............and christmas is around the corner!
my little baby was 13 on thursday.....13 years old. i have two teenagers now hahahhahahha gosh wat an achievement. am ever so proud and i love her to bits. last night we lay on her bed and watched tv on her new plasma tv. we lol and mucked around and it was sublime.
simes doesnt talk anymore and i wish i knew things about him. i dont pry and i dont hassle him but i miss him hahahahahaha
money is dire it comes in and goes out in the blink of an eye. so many expenses and nothing left over to save for christmas ( bit late now! ) and for holidays and school trips next year.
ho hum ho hum ho hum
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

yeah ok moan moan moan

ok so its moan time honest i dont know what am doing wrong???? can u believe pos as in husband called in sick at 1am??? i cried a few tears of frustration resentment hate but nothing else i could do. honest sometimes i am terrified where all this is going to end. he cant get better mentally nor physically as time passes....what if he really loses it and attacks us? oh my gosh what a situation to be in.....no wonder i have stomach / bowel problems with all this stress am handling or not handling as would be the case.
yesterday sonia and i managed an hour at the theatre but twas packed and we had some v loud disabled people next to us plus twas all in neopolitan dialect so we left.
we went to another 4 gyms to find out for simes postural and didnt have much luck but we had a laff together. a few weeks ago she wrote on my fridge 'i adore you mum you always make me laf' hahahahaha
i rang antonella to find out about walter and he is due home for a break then in december transplant. she wanted matteo to stay the night but i explained the delicate awful situation at home with simes and pos so i think she understood.
i rang razzano to get an appointment for simes end of the month day before the spanish kid due to arrive. simes complained about lower back ache and nutty poo so might try giving him a suppository bohhhh will go to doc on monday to find out plus get my blood tests written and mum's calcium tablets.
i also had long chat with ka we had a laugh and a moan. i dreamt last week about elizabeth who was in a coffin and i put a dick francis book on her and said 'i wish you could have read it and told me what you think' - twas 13lbs book or summat similar and 'all things bright and beautiful' was blaring. her bruv-in-law is getting operated on in two weeks time to get the tumour out of the kidney.
mari is stil in france til tuesday bet not having an easy time though her mum is stable.
am a bit at wit's end. i feel so in the wrong at how i have hnadled the situation these last 5 years. am i going to regret it for the rest of my life? why cant he just leave us alone, for good? why cant he just go? anywhere at all and i mean anywhere at all........:-((((((( i dont hate him, i'm scared of his illness and what cud happen if things reach a momentum.....i want out i want out with my kids...just want to be me and them wherever but not with him here in rome. he should have left for chicago give us a breather lick our wounds but he didnt feel well, is down and tired and so utterly bothersome and irritating and negative and cumbersome and everything i can possibly think of. i hate HATE the situation.
am smoking like no man's business tho only when am not at home and never with kids so at least that contains it a bit.
ho hum ho hum am pissed off and this blog is depressing nine times out of ten !!!!

blahhhhhhhhh

am much better had two nasty days with bit of temperature aches pains coughing etc but now almost like new though still a bit weak.
sonia had temperature last night after 4 days of no temperature so i am a nervous wreck about that. she refuses to go to the pediatrician and when the ped suggested doing a home visit sony said she would barricade herself in. am at my wit's end i am. i so want her to get better and go back to school.......
simes had two days off with slight temperature and general malaise.
now pos seems to be bit off colour and should be leaving for ba later on today.
honest sometimes i'm so down i cant even cry. my stomach is in constant knots and all this stress is killing me slowly.
am fagging like no man's business which does me more harm than good but am really so down i cant get up.
i took xanax today and will carry on for a bit hope that will help. it's all such a strain and worry and i just dont want to struggle all the time. my heart stops and my throat constricts at least ten times a day and that is not normal.
sex would help but i refuse because the thought makes me gag. i feel so sorry for him as well cos what with all his prostrate visits etc it would make him feel better but i cant do it for his sake as i have done in the past. i can never ever forgive him for losing his temper although almost a year ago was the worst episode.
course if i had an affair ( which to be honest i dont think i could handle at the moment ) i would probably have something to smile about but nothing is on the horizon and the only two possibilities remote albeit are not interested. course am not pushing things cos logistically couldnt organise myself. ho hum ho hum am sad and dispirited and no light at end of the tunnel. mum wrote a message the other day and said 'it can get no darker than midnight' which i thought was amazing what a lovely thing to write.
i watched two dvds in english houdini with an epic catherine zeta jones and guy pearce must look him up now and eagle eye a mega thriller and the mother in the film said a lovely thing to her son as he left for a trip 'shine bright' - so simple but so effective.
good things this week: paula back in contact albeit sporadically and albeit me making first move grgrgrgrg; saw those two dvds; lovely chat romana; met marie for coffee ( she's pretty badly off with kidney stone and her husband ); danced with sonia to 'free nelson mandela'; had lovely sunday lunch at marg and renato; had a laugh with mag and gratta e vinci winning absolutely nowt.
nothing else but am grateful for the above just cant shake myself out of this depression.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mah........

let me see...mega couple of hours with my nephew yesterday. i was on a super crowded smelly awful 31 bus and squashed in the middle when it came to a stop and there was my sis with my nephew so i let out a squeal shouted frantically permesso permesso and managed to get off and there he was smiling shyly and ohhhhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhh was it worth all the hassle and fatigue just to hold him in my arms....man alive have never felt such love as when i see jack. tis a love never felt before a different kind of love...watching him run and hearing his voice and feeling his breath on my face. hearing him giggle, the words he says, his eyes and his nails on my face when he strokes my cheek......love of my life he is.
am not in yip yip hey hey mood ( nowt new there hahahah ) got a yukky sore throat ( fagging all the same ) and worried bowt sony's cough nasty not getting better and halloween tonight......
no emails nowt nothing and paula has disappeared from face of the earth wanker.
albeit mihi wrote a one liner on facebook arsehole however for not writing earlier. life needs a shove in a positive direction. cfstand pos and his very presence though am doing everything in my power to be civil.
simes bit ippety and hyper dont know what goes on in his life anymore ( everyone else does though hahahahah ).
mum in bournemouth - had a mega 36 hours there and ooooohhhhhhhhh what a laugh we had. we bickered and rowed and laughed and giggled and uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhd and ahhhhhhhhdddd at everything. landsdowne college just the same gosh the memories....
awful seeing mum walk away from the bus station. i so just want to be with her, over there in a bungalow or flat and look after her. take her out enjoy her company and her idiosyncracies, watch over her when unwell, be there when lonely, accompany her to museums theatres whatever. i want to give back what she has given me life love laughter. such a special strong wonderful person i just want to see her truly happy. will i ever be able to do that??????

llife oh life oh lifeeeeee

i aint happy at the moment so many reasons tho' i guess i am happy am just fed up confused dont feel well with stomach bit of cramps and period due.
dont wanna leave sony - we are far too attached for our own good but i love her to bits. she slept in my bed and we both slept badly but at a certain point her head was on my pillow and i smellt her hair and i thanked the Lord for her for simes for jack for twin for scor.
must start xanax cos cant carry on like this for sure hahahahaha
this uk business is stressing me somewhat and mum on tod in an unknown place for two weeks not 100% etc is enough to bring anyone out in a cold sweat and add to that pos whom i cfstand his v presence his everything i should see a shrink try and get over this
when he was trying to wee i cud have gagged in the clinic
how can such love and passion turn to such disgust and repulsion? tis mental for sure but i still hate and resent him so much. he is the cause of all my problems and i dont think any shrink can ever remove that conviction.
ho hum ho hum negative too negative must be more positive - i reckon its church time.....must go in and do my pledge/oath - think will choose halloween as is a significant date.....
watch this space hahahahahaha

rainy day never say goodbye

strewth i always have problems getting in to this blog - head in the clouds all the time hahahahaha
i wanted to write about my kids.
they are exceptional. demanding spoilt exceptional.
sonia is almost a teenager and worries me to death. makes me laugh. she has such an amazing sense of humour. easy to make her laugh and she's a giggler. she loves animals and of course our cat is non plus ultra. she has this incredible copper coloured hair and freckles mingled with spots and is so cute. she is as tall as i am and is very very popular. bit obsessed with sims and the pc in general and is ahal at home on her pc and on the phone with her mates. she has had a brace put in to widen her palate then will need the 'piastrine' to straighten her teeth. she is size 38 in shoe size and has a lovely dress sense. v trendy hip hopish. i love 'er to bits and last night we play fought and laughed and giggled. she is really strong and a bit touchy hahhaha but a lovely lass. am very proud of her and want her to always be this perky and funny. she is so sensitive too but very practical and down to earth. if there is something to solve she gets to the core of the problem and comes up with the perfect solution. i love her to bits.
simes is a fully fledged teenager in full adolescent hoo haa and getting taller and lankier by the day. he has dark ginger hair and freckles and gorgeous straight teeth ( thanks to the orthodentist ) and when he smiles is mighty handsome. he can never find his belts for his trousers in the mornings hahahaha. he is v intelligent and seems to take school and what goes with it in his stride. he is 'borsa di studio' material and he knows it. i hope he doesnt get waylaid in the meantime. very popular though has an arsy streak but could be just adolescence though i think not hahahaha. i ask him for a hug and he says 'not now' then ten minutes later he comes to me and bear hugs me. strong passionate and lovable. he looks good in everything he wears and has a good dress sense. enjoys dance classes and is always here there and everywhere. loves good food and is definitely one for high class environment though table manners leave a bit to be desired. he's my lad and i love him to bits i do. he squeals when overexcited and we all shake our head but smiling because it's so him hahahahaha

i love them so much and they have so many of my traits its amazing. they both know how to smile and laugh wholeheartedly and nowadays that is such a special thing. very educated too with neighbours and whatnot though they both tend to mumble when a bit unsure hahahahahaa

they are destined to reach far and wide and will always know that i love them so much because they are me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

cant fkn believe how much time has passed

ok just checking i can get into my blog....will write mega long blog soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

the heat is on its on the streets

ok situation today is thus: huge ugly coldsore on upper right lip. v self conscious. havent had one since 2007 grgrgrgr not that i have anything planned or anything guffaw guffaw nevertheless vanity etc etc etc

simes is in calabria with costanza, romana and ambrogio - dunno really how he feels but for sure better there than rome with heat, boredom, afa and that arsehole of a wanker going round shouting sweating and being a pain in the arse.

sony and i just ignore him and get on with what we are doing but so many times i could just shout and i mean really shout at the top of my voice 'will you fucking just shut up. just fucking shut up' hahahahaha but i keep it all in where it festers.......grgrgrgrgrg

apart from that this swine flu is getting out of hand.....especially in the uk. they dont know why and so far it seems italy has the lowest number of cases. wonder why no one has come up with the reason why we are all kept in the dark....v worrying and i refuse to go to the uk if the situation doesnt dramatically improve. dont know how i will ever get mum to forgive me but i aint risking things. dont ask me how will cope with my two at home....fuck of all times and of all things we needed this swine flu pandemic ffs.

keep thinking of g dont ask me why.....he was perfect for me he was albeit arsy moody and selfish ( wow how perfect can you get hahahaah ) but perfect because we just got on so well. i still think of him too much and i still cant let go. one of his earrings broke this morning i just threw them out but have honestly never worn a pair of earrings so much and i swear each time i put them on i used to inwardly sigh hahahahah che scema!!!!

no news for yonks from mc and paula unreliable wankers...who cares i had a buzz a couple of weeks ago so that will last me for a bit and anyway what with this cold sore and swine flu aint going anywher that's for sure!!!

scorpy my scorpy seems much better though still constipated and not 100%. he refuses to touch his fibre-filled croccs and would quite simply go without eating. i resist but that arsehole of a wanker of a husband cant stand the thought so gives him what scorpy wants but course that cat food doesnt help scorpy's constipation grgrgrgrgr always a struggle uphill struggle whichever way you look at it :-((((

the last two / three weeks

this is a letter i wrote to uncle michael, uncle doug and uncle frank. it more or less sums up to the minute my home / work situation.

now i cant for the life of me remember when i wrote last and more to the point what i wrote last so as usual will gabble on a bit but it'll give you something to read in a moment of boredom hahahahah.

skip the next few paragraphs if you are not interested in cats ( i am a cat lover hahahah ) i do apologise as i am now going to write all about scorpy ( my two year old black cat ) who has been unwell and i need to get it off my chest.

i am ok at the moment though have had an awful two weeks because of my beloved scorpio. it started on sunday when he suddenly kept going back and forth to his cat litter attempting to do one or the other and not doing either, every two or three minutes! well of course something was up so as mark was home we took him to the only a&e for pets which is on the other side of rome. they xrayed him ( sounds simple but am sure you can imagine scorpio and us !! ). the bladder was empty but the intestine was full despite scorpio having been to both in the morning. they gave us a cure and told us to regularly use hairball removal cream thinking it was a hairball blocking him.

scorpy didnt seem the worse for wear after this mini trauma ( you should have seen me hahahaha ) and of course mark took some days off to follow scorpy so it was hell at home with him as he just panics and agitates me ( even more so than i do myself hahahaha ) i cope much better on my own in these cases!! thank goodness both kids were away. scorpy did not improve in the 24 hours that followed the xray so we took him to our private vet who first confirmed bladder empty and then looking at the xray pointed out that the faeces were long and thin wrapped around what looked like a piece of string or nylon. so we started the first laxative. in all this scorpy was just as normal as ever playing eating mischievous just this cat litter back and forth though not the same frequency as the very first day.

first laxative worked wonders and for three days scorpy was completely back to normal. our private vet had given him an antinflammatory injection just to be on the safe side. last monday i finally had the house to myself with simes on the adriatic coast with a friend, sonia in garda with the local parish and mark in rio. bliss bliss bliss i took the day off to get down to some serious....reading and dossing hahahahah.

anyway as i was cleaning the bathroom scorpy followed me and promptly had a wee on my shower mat. alarm bells rang as totally out of character. an hour later he spent a good few minutes cleaning his genitals alarm bells even louder so off i went to the vet. i was told to take a urine sample straightaway and to start a course of antibiotics as it could be cystitis or something like kidney stones. scorpy was so good as i took a urine sample and i could have died as i saw blood in the urine. i bombed to the vet ( all the above in awful heatwave ) who told me would have the results within 24 hours. i watched scorpy round the clock though he seemed ok normal and went to the bathroom ok without doing anything out of order.

vet contacted me the day after telling me nothing at all in the urine sample to suspect kidney problem hence to carry on with the antibiotic as it is for sure cystitis....and that is it. in all this scorpy is friendly naughty playful and almost normal. i feel aged beyond words....!!

ohhhh am feeling much lighter now hahahahaha

simes came back from his mini break and is leaving again on tuesday for calabria with a mate and her family. they have known each other since a couple of months old and this family has two small adjoining apartments 5 minutes from the beach. no shops no cinema no tv nothing just sun heat sea and space. anyway they will be staying in one apartment while the parents stay in the other. it's up to them to keep it clean in tip top shape etc.

sonia is due back by train on sunday night but they have just announced a 3 day strike so goodness knows how they will get back hahahaha

jack has a nasty cold with temperature so tough couple of days at home ( again this heat doesnt help at all ) and i went over yesterday to give a hand. he is a cutey very cheeky chubby and quite a character. sometimes i cant believe am an aunty hahahahaha

mum is in exeter at the moment good job too as far too hot here she would have hated it. we actually had a freak storm last week and so much damage was done to trees, signposts ( !! ) and balconies. our sunscreen curtain on the balcony ( dont know what the proper name is ) got torn was quite a scene as the wind and rain lashed down.

mum's number in exeter is 07765019864 ( am sorry i dont know what code you should do - it's her mobile phone) and just to warn you hahahahah cos you know what mum is like it's always best early / late evening !!!

mark is home for three days then off to miami. v knarked to be flying so much cos of this virus thing but its either that or off sick and less money at the end of the month.

i am working hard but only til 2pm hahahahaha then its the usual thing shopping cooking cleaning but all in slow motion as too hot and humid. lots of tension here in the office as people start taking their holidays so more work for the ones left behind. sometimes i cant wait to get out when its like this hahahahahahah

wonder if you managed to read as far as here hahahahaha lots of love always and look forward to reading you soon xxxx

i apologise if i have gone on a bit and i do wish you well and think of you all the time. i hope this email reaches you together with all my love xxxxx

p.s. please forgive the lack of punctuation xxx

2 weeks ago..........

blimey how time flies...situation has improved and will now explain v boring for anyone but me to read hahahaahaha
ok did the diet for a whole week and felt better after the first day - i know i will get my act together sooner or later and do all the tests and visits necessary. got that niggling fear of z mario having cancer of the colon etc and you know all that hereditary business what with nonna ada and thyroid and liver etc etc blimey there is no hope really for me hahahahah
anyway am still careful with what am eating as there is no point feeling so queasy and unwell. considering have been careful i should be a lot less bloated and thinner but i aint hahahahaha
sony is with me in work and did some photocopying and filing for me. she is such a laugh we did a photocopy of our faces hahahahah how silly ( and dangerous really !! ) but it was funny. she is incredible - we are so alike its awesome. she came into my bedroom this morning about half 6 and it got me into such a bad mood hahahhahah i love waking up on my bed without anyone next to me feel the breeze coming through the window and hear the sounds of my area waking up a dog barking a car passing by the local cafè opening its shutters. anyway sony came in and is as restless as i am and moves this way and that and pulls the sheet up and sighs and twists and turns until i growl and moan and get up hhahahahah
i left scorpy sound asleep entwined around sony's fan. he doesnt actually get the air like that but the vibration of the fan must be comforting bless he is such a character he is......
simes has been in and out non stop too many things going on and he gets hyper and hysterical and a pia hahahahaha bless but i can cope so much better when pos is away and we are all so much calmer. asa pos back there is tension and my stomach clenches and i cant concentrate on anything......
mum is still such a worry to me as her leg hasnt healed at all and she has had to book herself in to a hotel for the month of july as cant do the slope nor the stairs anymore.....how sad really.
anyway sony went to school non stop for the last ten days which was magnificent now we just have to see what her general end of term mark is. as long as she gets into the next class in september i dont give two hoots about anything else. simes too.

woe

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noooo peace for the wicked

ok today sees me as feeling a pit in my stomach bit of agitation due to my imminent departure for four days to the uk and also those bloody wood eating insects in the other room....yuk yuk yuk

paula aint meeting me at station next week tho could easily have done so - tis half hour from cardiff ffs and i am coming all the way from italy.

have decided not to have hair dyed cos a) wud have had i known for sure wud have met up with someone hahahah and b) cos period too heavy and dont fancy being at hairdressers for three hours. feel all tickly and itchy cos of those bloody insects.

had to meet a client at termini station this morning jeeeeeeeeeeeps i felt so bloody self conscious.....mah went ok and we had a laugh. i talk too much and give out too many personal details grgrgrgrgr

simes aint answering phone and has theatre show today. tis so bloody hot and humid too...

sony amazing goes to school in just tshirt and trousers though walks with her arms across her chest the love. she slept in my bed last night conked out bless. i dont wanna leave her more than anyone hahahahah though she drives me up the fucking wall hahahahahaha

tis bliss without pos wat a spanner in our works

heavy period and did facial yesterday she was yonks on my nose and took nowt off from my ears and ear area.....weird...my nose is beaming now che schifo yuk yuk hahahahahaha

aint in touch with mc cos he pissed me off with his boring emails all me me me will wait to c if he tries to contact me again am one line-ing with mc2 but nowt to write home about hahahahahah

over and out xxxx

had facia

am in a frightful mood

goodness knows am in such an awful pissy mood i cant shake it. it could have summat to do with my intestine / bowel movement making me feel under the weather lethargic and generally depressed. i am pissed off...i dont sleep well at night havent done for ages want love and affection but not from him ( though he deserves it but not from me ) and am in a mess. am v negative and down and cant shake it. it could be change of season which normally brings me down but honest not like me to drag it on like this.

simes is out and about and am so proud of him going to that liceo ....honest my little cutie ginger freckly little son now 15 years old and so sensitive and beautiful...how can i ever ever save him from the evils and dangers of this world???

and sony...my beautiful sweet ragamuffin 12 and a half and so gorgeous how can i ever protect her from the evils and dangers???? its driving me mad this fear i have of not being able to do more for them.

am so over anxious ( could be the reason for my ibs ) that am always negative and that is not like me at all.

money wise dire straits....even in work he cant pay me so everything is backing up.....next week i have to pay theatre for sony month of april, postural gym for me and simes for may, kickboxing for simes month of may, dentist month of may, plus my blood tests and pay the quarterly for sony's school.....its just too much. sometimes i just dont want to struggle anymore....what is in it for me???? all this stress worry and negativity no light at end of tunnel etc etc etc

am quite quite pissed off!!!

last two weeks

where on earth have the last two weeks gone??? time is flying by and we are already nearer to may than to the start of april ( there IS sense in what i'm writing hahahaha).
easter was magnificent...ohhh how i enjoyed myself....course there were a few misshaps ( namely mum behaving outrageously ) but all in all excellent laugh. i so enjoyed our jack who is amazing. such a lively happy go lucky little thing course apple of all our eyes.
me and sony caught the 11am train to fabriano and renato and bruno came to pick us up. simes had gone by car with bru jack sis and mum at 7am. weather promising nice and mild and infact we stayed out from 2pm to 8pm just eating indoors for a bit. the kids played like no man's business outside in the yard in the field behind. lovely friendly dog ( lidia's ) called lily and a funny furry black cat called nina who jumped and played football with sony. sooooo funny.
it was mega then after a light tea we all went back to the hotel ( bruno didnt complain once taking us back and forth ) and settled in our triple room....totally knakered.
easter sunday delicious breakfast ( stomach and bowel movement not 100% but getting better ) with all the easter goodies and simes and sony with their disgusting table manners ate v well indeed. then me sis and simes headed for a long walk to colcanino.ohhhhhhhhh the air the space the oxygen ahhhhhhhh bliss and healthy and so invigorating.
spent the rest of the morning playing with jack helping margherita in the kitchen talking to mum ( ... ) having a laugh with laura and paolo who arrived at midday.
bliss oh how wonderful to be all day outside with people you love xxxxxx
next day up at 7 to have a mega breakfast then bru took me and sony to the station. had to get off at tiburtina cos was weeing me knicks ( sony v knarked hahahah ) but made it up to her cos took her to mcdonalds hahahahaha at colli albani and we had a lovely time. all so happy carefree and wonderful.
am so grateful. am so so grateful. xxxxxxxxx

well the week has flown by

amazing soooooooooo busy and what a palaver....simes has been out every night with amine and the french group and so far so good. am a bit more nervy than usual ( yes, it is possible ) hahahaahha cos responsibility is triplicated with amine. however he is quite sweet and enjoying himself though have only heard him say 'ciao' hahahahaahah
they have been all over the place and on thursday simes smoked that argyleya thing ( i can never get the word right hahahahah ) wud u believe.....mind boggles but he told me without any qualms :-)))))
today they are off to villa borghese to rent a rickshaw which am a bit perturbed about also cos there is such a chaotic demonstration in the centre ending in san giovanni ffs............
silv's mammogram went well i didnt have time for a drag hahahha though i saw my little jack who is GORGEOUS so cuddly and lovable hahahahah
easter should be all together at colcanino fingers crossed its already stressing me out silv too mum complaining about the journey up by car etc etc etc
mc some sweet emails is feeling lonely and lost in lagos hahahaha that could be a song title hahahahahah
paula sweet too - had decided to give over my telephone number if there was slightest hint but no hint so no telephone number hahahahah
had messa in piega on thursday so many puns and innuendos had a real laugh and hair came out great too. just the wrinkles on the forehead bit too prominent.
my toilet isnt 100% but depending on what i eat the day before......am keeping a chek on it. have lost weight and not doing anything in particular tho am trying to eat more fruit and less bread and pasta........
sony made me go to hell and back this week not finishing her homework etc etc ohhhh the rows we had but the laughs we have together are incredible. i only laugh like that with her - she has an identical sense of humour as i do hahaahah
pos went to sicily had great time - was quite amicable at the pizza get together with mari and ivo ( not the easiest of people at the best of times ) and mum ( definitely not the easiest of people ) but whole thing turned sour at the very end cos pos found out bowt sony's big moment and couldnt believe that i hadnt told him 'non conto niente cazzo' - exactly i wanted to say....exactly....but i couldnt and i didnt :-(((((((
its getting warmer and warmer by the day and i dont like it at all.....
lems started work last wednesday wud u believe and bru takes jack to nursery....v stressy and tiring but so far so good bless bless bless xxxxxx

situation today

is this: i have indigestion ate a pizza with peppers last night ( yeah yeah i know i deserve indigestion ) with mum as i waited for sonia to finish at a party.
my hair is greasy and there is a whole loada hassle with this amine guy coming. simes is acting strange as though he couldnt give a dam and even worse as though he has every intention of making this guy's stay a memorable one but in a negative sense!! i could get v v agitated about the whole thing but will try not to. i simply dont know what's best to just interfere or let 'em get on with it :-(((
pos due back at 9am and i am going to meet sis at israelitico cos she has a mammogram. i hope to have breakfast with her and a drag hahahahaha while watching the tiber from the bridge.
mari just rang me saying that she has to pick up another two french kids from the airport so would i go and pick amine up at the school...fine by me hahahah gives me more chance to clean house maybe have a snooze etc etc etc
mum so sweet gave me money for going to pay her bills....honest she doesnt realise how every little bit helps am so so grateful xxxxx

well well well

what a laugh....well stephen made his way to the office and it was soooo funny having him sitting opposite me then he handed me over a bag of stuff bless how totally generous and sweet. i was quite impressed i must say.

i was in my element laughing and so enjoyed talkn in english!!!

super duper

shit shit

he said he would make his way to the office agh agh agh i just took a photo of me and i look awful am so nervous am almost shaking how totally embarrassing!! got my window open can hear cars pass by people talking etc etc am shitting myself.......
maybe i should get ready and close the office and go out...........oh why the fuk did i go and do this.......
cant fuking believe at 42 and a half i get into such a bloomin' mess
am writing cos i cant concentrate on anything else....he wrote at 11.15 should be in the area by now AND ALL FOR THE LOVE OF A VASELINE TUB how totally totally embarrassing .....ground open up and swallow me whole :-(((((((( and i dont even know him let alone recognise him.....he must think so highly of roj to do all this for a stranger...........

Dad's birthday

how apt that wales are playing italy today and it's Dad's birthday.....am in bit of a tizz cos supposed to be briefly meeting up with stephen bayliss and martin macabe so they hand me over a tub of vaseline and some cream eggs. how fukin embarrassing. what ever possessed ( ! ) me to ask for that stuff in the first place??? it started off as a whim writing to roj and then things sort of rollercoasted shit shit shit. i feel as nervous as if i was getting ready to go to a porthcawl disco, or into town with a boyfriend for the first time.
fuk fuk fuk
have silv's mega jeans with the purple beads on and a white vest under a v-neck mustard jumper. hair ok though am not at all confident :-((((
now am simply waiting for one of the boys ( groan i cant go thru with this ) to contact me after breakfast so i can meet up and collect the ..... vaseline. what a show up what a total total show up!!

am still not over the burglary from last monday - am terrified that we have been targeted and sooner or later they will try when me or one of the kids are at home alone. must talk to pos about it cos i dont feel safe in there anymore.

just heard simes who was having breakfast alone nella cantina - dont ask me what that means haahhahahahaha he was quite sweet and happy but looking forward to coming home. i think he likes strasbourg. i've missed him lots but its a synch looking after just one i can tell u. there were even a couple of times when i could say i was almost bored!!!!!

lazy

i copied and pasted the following cos couldnt be bothered to write it again i sent it to u michael z mario and the gomms by email

"its nippy today but blue sky and dry so quite pleasant indeed. i have my daffodil brooch ready for tomorrow and will buy mum and silv a bunch to celebrate st. david's day.

we celebrated jack's first birthday and oh what a joy. he is so cute and cuddly a right little character just wished we lived nearer to see him more often. silv has to go back to work as boss said she has used up her leave and he wont keep her job for her any longer. so we have all been looking for the best solution for little jack. at the moment the only choice is a creche and fortunately she has a lovely one not far from the house.

so this week jack has been going for a hour a day to see how he takes to it. so far so good.

mum and i wanted to take it in turns to look after him but it's impossible as we would have to be at silv's house at 7.30 am til 3.30pm and its just not feasible :-((((

as for me am still working from 9 to half 12 sometimes longer depending on what time simon and sonia come home from school.

simon is always out and i am trying v hard not to worry when he goes out at nights. it makes me laugh as during the week he is in bed by half 9 and when friday comes that's it he is out til 11 - 12 and saturday the same...i always try and stay up but i always fall asleep :-(((((

sonia went to her first disco party last week and a couple of mothers stopped me the day after telling me that when they went to pick up their children from the party they stopped to admire sonia leading the dancing.... i dont really know whether to be pleased or not!!

mark is working hard but despite having a heavy schedule when actually working he is more at home than ever before which doesnt help at all! when he is at home he doesnt like fuss and commotion but its impossible to keep a low profile ... for one i'm loud and untidy hahahaha add simon and sonia their mates and their goings on and of course scorpio the cat you can imagine its bedlam!!!
mum is fine - i manage to see her every day but wish i was freer to spend more time with her. "

i am absolutely shitting myself about simes going to strasbourg - doing my head in. he is so fussy and particular...what with his vaseline and box of tissues in the evening, his teeth and brace, his everything...,how on earth is he gonna cope with a new household ( and what kind of household ??? ) new people, what will his bed be like, what will the area be like....oh my gosh my throat goes dry it does....i cant wait for him to become more independent but the furthest he's been is como and that was a disaster the first year :-((((( oh woe's me oh woe's me.
over and out

what a week

how things change in a week.....tis friday and am as down as you can get...honest all going wrong ( not serious wrong just iffy wrong).

sony....she found out i went into her room. i was so careful i just did the real basics but her reaction was way out of context. i mean ffs...maybe she really has something to hide...what is it with her and this privacy thing. she wrote the most hateful texts and a hate letter and was so nasty, hurt, upset. i dont deserve this but i dont know wht to do. i am not in the wrong but feel i have let her down. what the fuck is one supposed to do. she didnt speak this morning but just before getting into school she said 'ciao ma' which is enough. i trudged to mums. am so full of my things i couldnt handle mum's 'superficial' chit chat. it took all my strength to not tell her to shut up and it certainly isnt mum's fault.......

hair a mess which doesnt help i got into work - ahhhh i had a dream about my boss who tried it on and i was so shocked and hurt that i left my job. awful.
simes at home cos has a nasty cough and yesterday we had the strasbourg meeting. ffs of all the kids going simes was going to share a room with a 16 yr old chin-pierced giant from his school....ma perchè??? why me? grgrgrgrg i had to ask the teachers to change him and i felt so inadequate and silly and thought to myself i simply am not strong enough to cope with all this.......

and to top this working week i not only wrote and confirmed the wrong agriturism but paula has not been in touch. weird and embarrassing.
nothing to smile about this week - i have found it hard going uphill and depressing and the w/e doesnt look any better.

jack started creche on monday - half hour i was with silv bless her - what a lass she is xxxx tues he did an hour wed an hour and a half as thurs and today two hours tho he cried today the love.

have slept badly all week and am just fed up. nothing absolutely nothing can make me smile today.

saturday....

well saturday dawned at 6 am thanks to husband's coughing and cat knocking down stuff from the ironing board as he leaped from the wardrobe onto the bed. ok i wasnt asleep anyway.
sony driving me bonkers with this side parting business hahahaha bless i got one too. am still not convinced about it but have received more compliments these last three days than i have received this last year.....
pos in bed for 48 hours with nasty cough - i just cant bring myself to be nice to him. i feel sorry for him he has noone to be with him noone who loves and cares for him. i mean that's what family is for yr parents yr siblings etc etc he has no one - i feel such a weight on my shoulders becasue of this. in fact its because of this that i havent left him....but why do i have to carry on jeopardising my happiness ???? what a fuking palaver.
i wrote to bill the start of my epilogue but had the fright of my life when i sent it as an email came back from the government where he works saying content of my email was not acceptable - shit now what??? does that mean someone has read it??? fuck fuck fuck....not that there are many secrets on it but still super personal things i have never told a soul and dont ask me why i wrote it to bill i just got carried away ( as usual silv would say ). strewth ruth hope i dont get myself or anyone in trouble!!!!
passed by mum this morning very sweet and she has romana and her mum popping in to see her. 3 gossipers and no doubt i will be the centre of their gossip.
sony has to go to arsini's house (dislike him and his parents) to finish off a project and from there go to claire's party (dislike her and her parents) at coast to coast of all fuking places ages away grrgrrggrrrrr
i have to go to termini now and look desperately for a sweatshirt and tshirt and this girl's present all for 55euro??? mah how i always find myself with never enough money beats me. i gave simes 25euro for mateo's present and mcdonalds but honest all so fucking expensive and having two youngsters with hectic social life simply working partime aint enough.
and i didnt get my blood tests done fuck
yesterday in gym i overdid it i think cos have discomfort right side under liver unless its liver.....ho hum ho hum
had slight smear yesterday weird as only 26 days ago i had my period....but no more smear yet and its almost midday...watch this space :-)))))))))))

how things change in two weeks.....

sum good sum bad....ten days ago mum felt a terrific pain in her knee and i died again . i was so scared andupset for her for me for us all. we got injections prescribed to dull the pain and see to the inflammation and yesterday after a v stressful week we had the orthopedic visit. went well mum and i had a laugh and it seems like a form of artrosi.....amazes me that summat so common can cause me and mum such stress and worry!!!! we have to do the risonanza magnetica next week to see for sure. the doc wasnt at all perturbed. mum has had enough of it all and wants to have her hair done asap.....v typical of mum!!!
valentine's day and i have received nowt from anyone hahahaahh however the day is long and u never know as long as he doesnt buy me fkn roses its ok. am not thinking of gwaelod half as much cs am having such fun with bill bryson hahahhah and you never know where the road will take you. its great to be able to daydream again.
no weight loss and a couple of bouts of that full indigestion feeling - havent drunk alcohol at all but every now and then do exaggerate with pizza and pastries and pasta hence the consequences.
on monday am off to doc to get a couple of prescriptions for mum and also will get my blood tests done and this time will follow up on them and take them to the doc immediately....they are bound to be a total mess and i do want to solve these dark circles...i look so much older than my young 42 years of age!!!
am having fantasies about meeting up and rampant sex and loads of laughter and no risk of getting prgnant...seems a bit too good to be true :-))) watch this space hahhaahah
i just got a valentine message v sweet and a virtual bunch of tulips hahahahaha oh the day is young and promising i think not - lunch with pos and mum and simes three little shits!! two big shits and a little one - no offence just sometimes its a bit much. i wish sony was coming but she said 'non c penso proprio' mahhh

moan moan moan

ok situation is thus: unhappy marriage living under same roof comunicate only when necessary ie when i need money for shopping etc.
i wanna see my twin more often but it is impossible
mum is getting better but so slowly and is so weak plus this blood loss in urine is not a healthy sign......
simes at home with a sort of flu
sony great lass drives me bonkers but noone makes me laugh lk she does
me eyes puffy and dark circles am aching at the knees but hope it was gym that did last week or maybe cos i slept v badly last night
am being v careful with food intake but havent lost a bit of weight still 65/66 kgs blimin over 10 stone
nowt in my lovelife hahahaaha and i still think far too much of gwaelod.

saturday

definitely need glasses for pc cos they water and bother me asa i start writing on pc but not at home when i read or watch tv.
am looking up flights for this summer rome bristol with our kids hahahaha jack's first flight oh what a laugh hahahahahaha
however not cheap eh? phew if we fly ba or az its 8hundred and ryan air and easy jet are about 5hundred plus add coach or train i mean ffs hahahhahaha
today simes is heading for filettino with faby and her family and he wasnt v well this morning but went anyway
sony has a party and will go from school though i have to meet her at 1pm to give her the present which i have to buy the moment i leave work.
mum is ok bit of a twinge lower back ( kidneys?? ) and urine dark but not as dark as it has been so fingers crossed things are getting better there
simes did some blood tests the other day ( he just rang me from somewhere tween here and filettino - they had to stop half way cos he is car sick bless )!!

friday

am floating along day by day hour by hour got hundred and one ailments and worries anxieties am so unhappy at times and so ok at others....was immensely happy yesterday doing a scooby doo, cooking for my two, holding jack in my arms, hugging my twin.
was immensely agitated thinking about my health, kids' future, pos coming back, mum's health, scor after falling from the balcony....you know am not living am only just surviving :-((((((((((

dire

situation is dire...not dire dire but dire enough for me to want to moan a bit. it is all to do with me: first and foremost the shadows under my eyes...feel v selfconscious. have worsened these last ten days but i remember noticing before christmas i was dark and put it down to period due. honest that fukin fateful 2nd of december....how i hate what happened hate him for reacting so badly hate myself for not having done anything........
move on lor move on.....
am not sleeping i twist and turn sometimes too hot sometimes too cold - am always very relaxed before dropping off if he is away and do sleep better but nevertheless still not a completely satisfactory sleep....
i miss intimacy....never with him but miss it with who i had it with...blimey am 42 and still passable and have no sex no cuddles no nothing....thats so bloody depressing. i do not want a lover certainly not one here cant cope with more angst and worry. dont want a one night stand. dont want arsehole of a husband. anyway even if that blasted wanker in the uk had not dumped me i wouldnt have been able to go over. honest that was perfect...every two three months off i went and had a magnificent weekend. it really did me wonders....now i couldnt dream of leaving kids with him. silv bless has her hands super full and mum as well with her health couldnt be left. so it was bound to end anyway its just he did it not the other way round.
what a mess mess mess
am bored need attention need something to take my mind off my anxieties my panic attacks my depression
moan moan moan :-))))))))))

new year resolutions:

1.lose at least 5 kilos
2.go religiously to gym at least twice a week and in between do 10/15 mins of exercises at home
3. find out about gospel singing and if feasible JOIN
4. find out about latino american dancing and if feasible JOIN
5. find out about piano playing and if feasible START
6. should have put this as number 1 SORT OUT MARRIAGE OR LACK OF ......
7. mon to fri eat healthily never slipping up and sat and sun eat what i want
8. laugh more
9. save and put money into post office regularly

over and out

monday morning blues

not only monday morning blues been blue too long now and am in such a rut - cant get out reminds me of that scene from silence of the lambs with the girl trying desperately to climb out of that vertical yukky tunnel with her nails scraping on the wall.....
course being so unhappy with husband takes it toll on everything else so that is the major problem then money which is always tight then mum who is stil unwell lonely and depressed so waits for my daily visits to have a moan or whatever then simes adolescent mood swings and sony same thing and am bang in the middle.
am in this job which suits me down to the ground being partime but doesnt give me enough to make ends meet am always looking for ways to earn more without jeopardizing kids' / home / other responsibilities etc but aint easy
i keep thinking grass is greener in the uk but it isnt - would be hell there without my family and working longer hours the cold and all the other negative things there are so why cant i get out of this rut........six milion dollar question!!! shake myself and get my act together which i do regularly then get moments of despair and think is this it??? is this my life? at 42, unhappy, no love, no money, no fun, no laughter?????
bit dire if you ask me

...rainy day in rome....

yeah well tis raining but i like it cos i just walk with my brolly up and over my head and contemplate the rain and its effect on the cobble stones as i get to work. 6 indians stopped me offering my a brolly....i wondered where they came from having seen 'the slum milionaire' yesterday and seeing the way they lived and what happens to orphans etc etc...anything is better than living in the slums so even living 10 in a room is better than that....however i had a brolly so just politely shook my head and walked on.
simes was 15 yesterday and cute has little hairs growing on his chin, spots galore and the brace but is quite handsome despite hahahahaha
sony is so funny and sweet and a pain in the neck hahahahaha adore them i do but sometimes wonder how good a job am doing cos both spoilt cheeky hyper and sometimes downright rude.
pos is unhappy and heavygoing....why cant he make the first move and offer to move out....i wont ask for much just the flat til the kids leave the roost then i will leave too and all he has to do is give them a helping hand with university or whatever they want to do in the future.
i worked out i need 1000 euros a month to pay the bills do the shopping and day to day living and that is really being careful and he earns at least triple that amount so could easily afford to rent a place.
i just wish he would understand how happy he could be living a life without us under his feet. i know that probably for him the most important thing is having a family despite that family not wanting him at all. the more negative he is the more we dont want him around. am running around in circles contradicting myself.
i have tried so hard to keep up appearances but the kids cant be fooled any longer and know perfectly i dont love him anymore. to be honest havent felt anything for him apart for pity and compassion for ten years. gosh what a load of shit having all this emotional baggage hanging around my head......
its the third day of 2009 and i wonder how things will change and improve in my life....the kids suffer cos i suffer and am not the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.........