am so totally out of it man alive!! was really unwell on tuesday and wednesday aches and pains and stomach upset. i couldnt even run for the bus on friday and on thursday i just wanted to crawl into bed. weird....wonder what it was.
am bit better today the aches and pains are less though stomach and bowel movement still leave a lot to be desired. woke up with watery eyes and look like death warmed up.last thing i wanna do is go to the hairdressers and sit there and hear him go on and on :-(((((
found three white hairs on my eyebrows ffs
what a stressful week with him home every sgl fukn day. he had a night flight tel aviv - a night flight ffs but at least i slept better. i woke up much less tense and in a good mood. what a difference!!
on the agenda is new mattresses cos am sure twil make a differnce though dont know how much.
got quite a week coming up:
sunday: theatre with mum, opera groan
monday: postural cos have to collect simes' orthopeadic referral
tuesday: hope to take morning off and clean thoroughly house in the afternoon meeting at russell school and pass by gym to see postural teacher for simes
wednesday: summat is happening but cfthe life of me remember
thursday: likewise
friday: catia really hope i make it to meet her and orthopeadic visit and spanish kid arrives.
i'm not happy
i'm not living
i'm not positive
i'm not in love
i'm devoid of passion
i'm devoid of lust for life
i'm fed up totally and utterly
............and christmas is around the corner!
my little baby was 13 on thursday.....13 years old. i have two teenagers now hahahhahahha gosh wat an achievement. am ever so proud and i love her to bits. last night we lay on her bed and watched tv on her new plasma tv. we lol and mucked around and it was sublime.
simes doesnt talk anymore and i wish i knew things about him. i dont pry and i dont hassle him but i miss him hahahahahaha
money is dire it comes in and goes out in the blink of an eye. so many expenses and nothing left over to save for christmas ( bit late now! ) and for holidays and school trips next year.
ho hum ho hum ho hum
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
sabato 21 novembre 2009
sabato 14 novembre 2009
yeah ok moan moan moan
ok so its moan time honest i dont know what am doing wrong???? can u believe pos as in husband called in sick at 1am??? i cried a few tears of frustration resentment hate but nothing else i could do. honest sometimes i am terrified where all this is going to end. he cant get better mentally nor physically as time passes....what if he really loses it and attacks us? oh my gosh what a situation to be in.....no wonder i have stomach / bowel problems with all this stress am handling or not handling as would be the case.
yesterday sonia and i managed an hour at the theatre but twas packed and we had some v loud disabled people next to us plus twas all in neopolitan dialect so we left.
we went to another 4 gyms to find out for simes postural and didnt have much luck but we had a laff together. a few weeks ago she wrote on my fridge 'i adore you mum you always make me laf' hahahahaha
i rang antonella to find out about walter and he is due home for a break then in december transplant. she wanted matteo to stay the night but i explained the delicate awful situation at home with simes and pos so i think she understood.
i rang razzano to get an appointment for simes end of the month day before the spanish kid due to arrive. simes complained about lower back ache and nutty poo so might try giving him a suppository bohhhh will go to doc on monday to find out plus get my blood tests written and mum's calcium tablets.
i also had long chat with ka we had a laugh and a moan. i dreamt last week about elizabeth who was in a coffin and i put a dick francis book on her and said 'i wish you could have read it and told me what you think' - twas 13lbs book or summat similar and 'all things bright and beautiful' was blaring. her bruv-in-law is getting operated on in two weeks time to get the tumour out of the kidney.
mari is stil in france til tuesday bet not having an easy time though her mum is stable.
am a bit at wit's end. i feel so in the wrong at how i have hnadled the situation these last 5 years. am i going to regret it for the rest of my life? why cant he just leave us alone, for good? why cant he just go? anywhere at all and i mean anywhere at all........:-((((((( i dont hate him, i'm scared of his illness and what cud happen if things reach a momentum.....i want out i want out with my kids...just want to be me and them wherever but not with him here in rome. he should have left for chicago give us a breather lick our wounds but he didnt feel well, is down and tired and so utterly bothersome and irritating and negative and cumbersome and everything i can possibly think of. i hate HATE the situation.
am smoking like no man's business tho only when am not at home and never with kids so at least that contains it a bit.
ho hum ho hum am pissed off and this blog is depressing nine times out of ten !!!!
yesterday sonia and i managed an hour at the theatre but twas packed and we had some v loud disabled people next to us plus twas all in neopolitan dialect so we left.
we went to another 4 gyms to find out for simes postural and didnt have much luck but we had a laff together. a few weeks ago she wrote on my fridge 'i adore you mum you always make me laf' hahahahaha
i rang antonella to find out about walter and he is due home for a break then in december transplant. she wanted matteo to stay the night but i explained the delicate awful situation at home with simes and pos so i think she understood.
i rang razzano to get an appointment for simes end of the month day before the spanish kid due to arrive. simes complained about lower back ache and nutty poo so might try giving him a suppository bohhhh will go to doc on monday to find out plus get my blood tests written and mum's calcium tablets.
i also had long chat with ka we had a laugh and a moan. i dreamt last week about elizabeth who was in a coffin and i put a dick francis book on her and said 'i wish you could have read it and told me what you think' - twas 13lbs book or summat similar and 'all things bright and beautiful' was blaring. her bruv-in-law is getting operated on in two weeks time to get the tumour out of the kidney.
mari is stil in france til tuesday bet not having an easy time though her mum is stable.
am a bit at wit's end. i feel so in the wrong at how i have hnadled the situation these last 5 years. am i going to regret it for the rest of my life? why cant he just leave us alone, for good? why cant he just go? anywhere at all and i mean anywhere at all........:-((((((( i dont hate him, i'm scared of his illness and what cud happen if things reach a momentum.....i want out i want out with my kids...just want to be me and them wherever but not with him here in rome. he should have left for chicago give us a breather lick our wounds but he didnt feel well, is down and tired and so utterly bothersome and irritating and negative and cumbersome and everything i can possibly think of. i hate HATE the situation.
am smoking like no man's business tho only when am not at home and never with kids so at least that contains it a bit.
ho hum ho hum am pissed off and this blog is depressing nine times out of ten !!!!
sabato 7 novembre 2009
blahhhhhhhhh
am much better had two nasty days with bit of temperature aches pains coughing etc but now almost like new though still a bit weak.
sonia had temperature last night after 4 days of no temperature so i am a nervous wreck about that. she refuses to go to the pediatrician and when the ped suggested doing a home visit sony said she would barricade herself in. am at my wit's end i am. i so want her to get better and go back to school.......
simes had two days off with slight temperature and general malaise.
now pos seems to be bit off colour and should be leaving for ba later on today.
honest sometimes i'm so down i cant even cry. my stomach is in constant knots and all this stress is killing me slowly.
am fagging like no man's business which does me more harm than good but am really so down i cant get up.
i took xanax today and will carry on for a bit hope that will help. it's all such a strain and worry and i just dont want to struggle all the time. my heart stops and my throat constricts at least ten times a day and that is not normal.
sex would help but i refuse because the thought makes me gag. i feel so sorry for him as well cos what with all his prostrate visits etc it would make him feel better but i cant do it for his sake as i have done in the past. i can never ever forgive him for losing his temper although almost a year ago was the worst episode.
course if i had an affair ( which to be honest i dont think i could handle at the moment ) i would probably have something to smile about but nothing is on the horizon and the only two possibilities remote albeit are not interested. course am not pushing things cos logistically couldnt organise myself. ho hum ho hum am sad and dispirited and no light at end of the tunnel. mum wrote a message the other day and said 'it can get no darker than midnight' which i thought was amazing what a lovely thing to write.
i watched two dvds in english houdini with an epic catherine zeta jones and guy pearce must look him up now and eagle eye a mega thriller and the mother in the film said a lovely thing to her son as he left for a trip 'shine bright' - so simple but so effective.
good things this week: paula back in contact albeit sporadically and albeit me making first move grgrgrgrg; saw those two dvds; lovely chat romana; met marie for coffee ( she's pretty badly off with kidney stone and her husband ); danced with sonia to 'free nelson mandela'; had lovely sunday lunch at marg and renato; had a laugh with mag and gratta e vinci winning absolutely nowt.
nothing else but am grateful for the above just cant shake myself out of this depression.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
sonia had temperature last night after 4 days of no temperature so i am a nervous wreck about that. she refuses to go to the pediatrician and when the ped suggested doing a home visit sony said she would barricade herself in. am at my wit's end i am. i so want her to get better and go back to school.......
simes had two days off with slight temperature and general malaise.
now pos seems to be bit off colour and should be leaving for ba later on today.
honest sometimes i'm so down i cant even cry. my stomach is in constant knots and all this stress is killing me slowly.
am fagging like no man's business which does me more harm than good but am really so down i cant get up.
i took xanax today and will carry on for a bit hope that will help. it's all such a strain and worry and i just dont want to struggle all the time. my heart stops and my throat constricts at least ten times a day and that is not normal.
sex would help but i refuse because the thought makes me gag. i feel so sorry for him as well cos what with all his prostrate visits etc it would make him feel better but i cant do it for his sake as i have done in the past. i can never ever forgive him for losing his temper although almost a year ago was the worst episode.
course if i had an affair ( which to be honest i dont think i could handle at the moment ) i would probably have something to smile about but nothing is on the horizon and the only two possibilities remote albeit are not interested. course am not pushing things cos logistically couldnt organise myself. ho hum ho hum am sad and dispirited and no light at end of the tunnel. mum wrote a message the other day and said 'it can get no darker than midnight' which i thought was amazing what a lovely thing to write.
i watched two dvds in english houdini with an epic catherine zeta jones and guy pearce must look him up now and eagle eye a mega thriller and the mother in the film said a lovely thing to her son as he left for a trip 'shine bright' - so simple but so effective.
good things this week: paula back in contact albeit sporadically and albeit me making first move grgrgrgrg; saw those two dvds; lovely chat romana; met marie for coffee ( she's pretty badly off with kidney stone and her husband ); danced with sonia to 'free nelson mandela'; had lovely sunday lunch at marg and renato; had a laugh with mag and gratta e vinci winning absolutely nowt.
nothing else but am grateful for the above just cant shake myself out of this depression.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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