yeah ok moan moan moan

ok so its moan time honest i dont know what am doing wrong???? can u believe pos as in husband called in sick at 1am??? i cried a few tears of frustration resentment hate but nothing else i could do. honest sometimes i am terrified where all this is going to end. he cant get better mentally nor physically as time passes....what if he really loses it and attacks us? oh my gosh what a situation to be in.....no wonder i have stomach / bowel problems with all this stress am handling or not handling as would be the case.
yesterday sonia and i managed an hour at the theatre but twas packed and we had some v loud disabled people next to us plus twas all in neopolitan dialect so we left.
we went to another 4 gyms to find out for simes postural and didnt have much luck but we had a laff together. a few weeks ago she wrote on my fridge 'i adore you mum you always make me laf' hahahahaha
i rang antonella to find out about walter and he is due home for a break then in december transplant. she wanted matteo to stay the night but i explained the delicate awful situation at home with simes and pos so i think she understood.
i rang razzano to get an appointment for simes end of the month day before the spanish kid due to arrive. simes complained about lower back ache and nutty poo so might try giving him a suppository bohhhh will go to doc on monday to find out plus get my blood tests written and mum's calcium tablets.
i also had long chat with ka we had a laugh and a moan. i dreamt last week about elizabeth who was in a coffin and i put a dick francis book on her and said 'i wish you could have read it and told me what you think' - twas 13lbs book or summat similar and 'all things bright and beautiful' was blaring. her bruv-in-law is getting operated on in two weeks time to get the tumour out of the kidney.
mari is stil in france til tuesday bet not having an easy time though her mum is stable.
am a bit at wit's end. i feel so in the wrong at how i have hnadled the situation these last 5 years. am i going to regret it for the rest of my life? why cant he just leave us alone, for good? why cant he just go? anywhere at all and i mean anywhere at all........:-((((((( i dont hate him, i'm scared of his illness and what cud happen if things reach a momentum.....i want out i want out with my kids...just want to be me and them wherever but not with him here in rome. he should have left for chicago give us a breather lick our wounds but he didnt feel well, is down and tired and so utterly bothersome and irritating and negative and cumbersome and everything i can possibly think of. i hate HATE the situation.
am smoking like no man's business tho only when am not at home and never with kids so at least that contains it a bit.
ho hum ho hum am pissed off and this blog is depressing nine times out of ten !!!!