moan moan moan

ok situation is thus: unhappy marriage living under same roof comunicate only when necessary ie when i need money for shopping etc.
i wanna see my twin more often but it is impossible
mum is getting better but so slowly and is so weak plus this blood loss in urine is not a healthy sign......
simes at home with a sort of flu
sony great lass drives me bonkers but noone makes me laugh lk she does
me eyes puffy and dark circles am aching at the knees but hope it was gym that did last week or maybe cos i slept v badly last night
am being v careful with food intake but havent lost a bit of weight still 65/66 kgs blimin over 10 stone
nowt in my lovelife hahahaaha and i still think far too much of gwaelod.

saturday

definitely need glasses for pc cos they water and bother me asa i start writing on pc but not at home when i read or watch tv.
am looking up flights for this summer rome bristol with our kids hahahaha jack's first flight oh what a laugh hahahahahaha
however not cheap eh? phew if we fly ba or az its 8hundred and ryan air and easy jet are about 5hundred plus add coach or train i mean ffs hahahhahaha
today simes is heading for filettino with faby and her family and he wasnt v well this morning but went anyway
sony has a party and will go from school though i have to meet her at 1pm to give her the present which i have to buy the moment i leave work.
mum is ok bit of a twinge lower back ( kidneys?? ) and urine dark but not as dark as it has been so fingers crossed things are getting better there
simes did some blood tests the other day ( he just rang me from somewhere tween here and filettino - they had to stop half way cos he is car sick bless )!!

friday

am floating along day by day hour by hour got hundred and one ailments and worries anxieties am so unhappy at times and so ok at others....was immensely happy yesterday doing a scooby doo, cooking for my two, holding jack in my arms, hugging my twin.
was immensely agitated thinking about my health, kids' future, pos coming back, mum's health, scor after falling from the balcony....you know am not living am only just surviving :-((((((((((

dire

situation is dire...not dire dire but dire enough for me to want to moan a bit. it is all to do with me: first and foremost the shadows under my eyes...feel v selfconscious. have worsened these last ten days but i remember noticing before christmas i was dark and put it down to period due. honest that fukin fateful 2nd of december....how i hate what happened hate him for reacting so badly hate myself for not having done anything........
move on lor move on.....
am not sleeping i twist and turn sometimes too hot sometimes too cold - am always very relaxed before dropping off if he is away and do sleep better but nevertheless still not a completely satisfactory sleep....
i miss intimacy....never with him but miss it with who i had it with...blimey am 42 and still passable and have no sex no cuddles no nothing....thats so bloody depressing. i do not want a lover certainly not one here cant cope with more angst and worry. dont want a one night stand. dont want arsehole of a husband. anyway even if that blasted wanker in the uk had not dumped me i wouldnt have been able to go over. honest that was perfect...every two three months off i went and had a magnificent weekend. it really did me wonders....now i couldnt dream of leaving kids with him. silv bless has her hands super full and mum as well with her health couldnt be left. so it was bound to end anyway its just he did it not the other way round.
what a mess mess mess
am bored need attention need something to take my mind off my anxieties my panic attacks my depression
moan moan moan :-))))))))))

new year resolutions:

1.lose at least 5 kilos
2.go religiously to gym at least twice a week and in between do 10/15 mins of exercises at home
3. find out about gospel singing and if feasible JOIN
4. find out about latino american dancing and if feasible JOIN
5. find out about piano playing and if feasible START
6. should have put this as number 1 SORT OUT MARRIAGE OR LACK OF ......
7. mon to fri eat healthily never slipping up and sat and sun eat what i want
8. laugh more
9. save and put money into post office regularly

over and out

monday morning blues

not only monday morning blues been blue too long now and am in such a rut - cant get out reminds me of that scene from silence of the lambs with the girl trying desperately to climb out of that vertical yukky tunnel with her nails scraping on the wall.....
course being so unhappy with husband takes it toll on everything else so that is the major problem then money which is always tight then mum who is stil unwell lonely and depressed so waits for my daily visits to have a moan or whatever then simes adolescent mood swings and sony same thing and am bang in the middle.
am in this job which suits me down to the ground being partime but doesnt give me enough to make ends meet am always looking for ways to earn more without jeopardizing kids' / home / other responsibilities etc but aint easy
i keep thinking grass is greener in the uk but it isnt - would be hell there without my family and working longer hours the cold and all the other negative things there are so why cant i get out of this rut........six milion dollar question!!! shake myself and get my act together which i do regularly then get moments of despair and think is this it??? is this my life? at 42, unhappy, no love, no money, no fun, no laughter?????
bit dire if you ask me

...rainy day in rome....

yeah well tis raining but i like it cos i just walk with my brolly up and over my head and contemplate the rain and its effect on the cobble stones as i get to work. 6 indians stopped me offering my a brolly....i wondered where they came from having seen 'the slum milionaire' yesterday and seeing the way they lived and what happens to orphans etc etc...anything is better than living in the slums so even living 10 in a room is better than that....however i had a brolly so just politely shook my head and walked on.
simes was 15 yesterday and cute has little hairs growing on his chin, spots galore and the brace but is quite handsome despite hahahahaha
sony is so funny and sweet and a pain in the neck hahahahaha adore them i do but sometimes wonder how good a job am doing cos both spoilt cheeky hyper and sometimes downright rude.
pos is unhappy and heavygoing....why cant he make the first move and offer to move out....i wont ask for much just the flat til the kids leave the roost then i will leave too and all he has to do is give them a helping hand with university or whatever they want to do in the future.
i worked out i need 1000 euros a month to pay the bills do the shopping and day to day living and that is really being careful and he earns at least triple that amount so could easily afford to rent a place.
i just wish he would understand how happy he could be living a life without us under his feet. i know that probably for him the most important thing is having a family despite that family not wanting him at all. the more negative he is the more we dont want him around. am running around in circles contradicting myself.
i have tried so hard to keep up appearances but the kids cant be fooled any longer and know perfectly i dont love him anymore. to be honest havent felt anything for him apart for pity and compassion for ten years. gosh what a load of shit having all this emotional baggage hanging around my head......
its the third day of 2009 and i wonder how things will change and improve in my life....the kids suffer cos i suffer and am not the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.........