blahhhhhhhhh

am much better had two nasty days with bit of temperature aches pains coughing etc but now almost like new though still a bit weak.
sonia had temperature last night after 4 days of no temperature so i am a nervous wreck about that. she refuses to go to the pediatrician and when the ped suggested doing a home visit sony said she would barricade herself in. am at my wit's end i am. i so want her to get better and go back to school.......
simes had two days off with slight temperature and general malaise.
now pos seems to be bit off colour and should be leaving for ba later on today.
honest sometimes i'm so down i cant even cry. my stomach is in constant knots and all this stress is killing me slowly.
am fagging like no man's business which does me more harm than good but am really so down i cant get up.
i took xanax today and will carry on for a bit hope that will help. it's all such a strain and worry and i just dont want to struggle all the time. my heart stops and my throat constricts at least ten times a day and that is not normal.
sex would help but i refuse because the thought makes me gag. i feel so sorry for him as well cos what with all his prostrate visits etc it would make him feel better but i cant do it for his sake as i have done in the past. i can never ever forgive him for losing his temper although almost a year ago was the worst episode.
course if i had an affair ( which to be honest i dont think i could handle at the moment ) i would probably have something to smile about but nothing is on the horizon and the only two possibilities remote albeit are not interested. course am not pushing things cos logistically couldnt organise myself. ho hum ho hum am sad and dispirited and no light at end of the tunnel. mum wrote a message the other day and said 'it can get no darker than midnight' which i thought was amazing what a lovely thing to write.
i watched two dvds in english houdini with an epic catherine zeta jones and guy pearce must look him up now and eagle eye a mega thriller and the mother in the film said a lovely thing to her son as he left for a trip 'shine bright' - so simple but so effective.
good things this week: paula back in contact albeit sporadically and albeit me making first move grgrgrgrg; saw those two dvds; lovely chat romana; met marie for coffee ( she's pretty badly off with kidney stone and her husband ); danced with sonia to 'free nelson mandela'; had lovely sunday lunch at marg and renato; had a laugh with mag and gratta e vinci winning absolutely nowt.
nothing else but am grateful for the above just cant shake myself out of this depression.
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