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...without a trace....

this isnt living this is struggling honest am unhappy am tense am a nervous wreck i am so bogged down with worries and anxieties and am a mess.
mum thank goodness made it back in one piece - a bit worse for wear but great to see her coming out of the arrivals in a wheelchair smiling bless. she had lunch with me ieri and it was mega seeing her eating away at my table.
the kids were affectionate and huggy with her which is grand and even scor gave her attention hahahahhaah
mido came to fix sony's tapparella great huge improvement but gotta come back to put silicone tho i mght have a go myself......:-((((
sony wants this beagle at all costs....she has me under her thumb and i cant get out that's why i want to disappear without a trace. i cant handle her anymore eithr i get the bloody dog or i disappear.
what on earth am i gonna say to pos to convnce him and where on earth am i gonna get the money to pay for a dog.
am awake during the night cos of this.............
otoh why not? why not enjoy taking a dog out have a dog to keep me company etc etc
why fukn not????
mess mess mess am a total fkn mess

total nervous wreck

mum shud arrive on tuesday but is so agitated bowt flight cos of vulcanic upheavel. i am so worried about it.
sony went to school today after 4 days off - am at wit's end
she'll never manage to recuperate :-((((((((
how can i possibly be so wrought and uptite :-((((((((

stress

stress in every single branch of my life.....am fed up pensive anxious nervy right pissed off.
however a very silly superficial thing had to write it. as i was cooking last night in a very good mood i was dont ask me why these songs came on one after another on vintage voxson radio:
brown girl in the ring
you're the best thing
pretty woman
one step beyond
i'll stand by you
no more lonely nights

ALL IN ONE GO!!!!!!!! isnt that totally utterly unbelievable. i honestly shook my head. i was gobsmacked and amazed. my all time favourite songs ( amongst others hahahah ) but each with a real significance to my past loves. i was totally flumoxed i was.

over and out xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cloudy nippy saturday

well any minute now the boss is arriving and to be honest i feel like leaving the office hahahah as have written my emails read the mail online looked up without success some old flames and am now thoroughly bored.
left simes at home tho pos woke us up ringing from tokyo - he's blocked there cos of this volcanic eruption in iceland. am relieved otoh oto i needed money to do some shopping and cant be bothered to queue in the post office to get money out. my card doesnt work so had to ask for a new one.
sonia didnt do a bit of homework and i had to write various giustifications or whatever they're called in english and i also have to go to the school to pick up her school report which i am not looking forward to!!!
mum in bristol v worried about this volcano business and being blocked at the airport.
simes had his hair cut yesterday. he took eleonora along for support. i like her she's always smiling and happy. i also like flavia pretty and seems educated.
am trying to get simes to lower the toilet seat after he has finished. pos never does it dirty bugger how uncouth how vulgar and totally insensitive he is. i hope i get it into simes cos its just one of those little things that puts him above the norm!!! gotta get simes to cook too as at 16 he's pretty hopeless around the house and that's my fault. however he regularly changes his bed and makes it every morning - better than a kick up the arse.
u should have seen jak yesterday....a little brown chestnut he was. gorgeous so sweet when he giggles and when he runs his little legs are the cutest thing ever. he is adorable and so bright. lems is amazing pointing things out teaching him talking in english.

amazing

...coincidence a month ago exactly i wrote my last blog!!!!
so much has happened we spent easter in the marche v nice trip too but jak came back unwell and twas a hard week v stressful and worrying for me and twin. i was ott with worry cos of my twin being ott with worry
mum left for bristol has found a flat ( on her second day there ) and has already bought the furniture but with no guarantee that the flat is hers......we will know on the 19th.
sony had her last school trip with her class. had mega time in capri sorrento amalfi. bought me a lemon hahahahha dont u just love it!!!!!
simes v busy full of gorgeous little ticks. i think he has a girlfriend cud be flavia. i met her couple of weeks ago. they get on v well but he insists not his girlfriend. he is submerged with homework tests and this bloomin new york thing. am a nervous wreck thinking about his new york thing. i so hope and pray it goes ahead as planned.
am bored to tears but so busy that how can i be bored.....???? i have no love life no nowt. i simply cant stand pos tho am civil and cook and clean for him. i dread any thought of intimacy cos wud have to be cruel and tell the truth. its so over my marriage i cant even cry about it :-(((((( cos its been over for ten years but the last two years have really erased any affection or regard left.
2000 i met n.1 and n.2 and for 2 months went out with them both then chose n. 2 for an affair which lasted from september til
august 2001
nov 2001 ew contacted me on friends united
july 2002 met up and started affair til
march 2004
october 2004 gw contacted me think on friends united
july 2005 met up and started affair til
march 2008
january 2009 pf contacted me on friends united
december 2009 no news from one day to the next
but it kept me going for a year i can tell u
and since december last year, almost 5 whole months nothing absolutely nothing. no attention no texts no emails just lousy poke from the odd acquaintance. nothing.........
i am still worthwhile still attractive still sexy not for long mind cos am full of aches and pains and signs of aging and there is absolutely no love in my life at all. am only 43 and a half tis really unjust. am not looking cos dont want an italian too complicated but honest a fling twice a year wouldnt hurt anyone wud it??????

i did

i did stop smoking for exactly 7 days and had no side effects whatsoever.
am stopping again today :-))))))))))))))

sonia's cough cleared up after 6 days of antibiotics tho last night ho hum didnt like her cough but fingers crossed.

simes cute we had such a laugh at trivial pursuits - wat a total total laugh.
then we played asilly game of ballo on his bed which drives me bonkers and at one point sony put on 'where's yr mama gone' and both kids sang along epic epic.xxxxxxxxx

phew

we made it we actually made it
twas harrowing journey for mum bless with all the bloody assistance in the airports....bless she did marvellously well but i was a total total nervous wreck.
it all went well in the end as we got to bournemouth in good time and caught a taxi to southern comfort guesthouse. they couldnt do more for us. tho mum's toilet didnt have any heating so she caught a cold asa we got there bless.
we ate a delicious meal at the olde george inn.
we loved christchurch with all the important shops and mum was unbelievably generous bless.
we saw 9 apartments all in all and the last one we made an offer but a misunderstanding arose and they guy didnt contact us back. we were quite upset about it and now mum doesnt want christchurch anymore bless and i must admit i could have pictured her there shopping doing her bits and pieces. a pity but even after a week we still dont know what happened despite me having written several emails.
met up with rob dash what a laugh i was 18 again and had such a giggle tho no small amount of stress getting to debenhams and sorting out queuing meals etc etc however it went v well indeed.
we managed to go to the bank to sort out mum's finances and we also went in and out of umpteen shops again thanks to mum's generosity. wonderful woman.
journey back strenuous and i was so worried about mum strewth i want to protect her for ever and ever but how can i ?????
we ate well and enjoyed our english breakfast. sonia loved the bacon and sausages and toast and hot chocolate. mega mega break and the weather was marvellous. bloody freezing but dry and mostly sunny.
sony had a 99 in winter gardens which was epic. what fantastic memories i have of bouremouth.
xxxxxxxxx

strewth

twill be a bloody miracle if me, mum and sonia arrive at christchurch guest house in one piece.
am a nervous wreck have been sleeping really badly since wednesday ( ha since pos came home ) am feeling fuzzy under the weather not achey just not hundred per cent. have dry stuck feeling in throat and general malaise. twill be a miracle.
sonia started antibiotics yesterday - i told you am a nervous wreck. she aint tip top at all and once the antibiotics kick in strewth ruth....otoh if they dont kick in she wont get rid of that catarrh which causes this nasty nasty cough which makes me want to cry every time i hear it.
what a bummer life is at times
i have been in tip top condition for yonks almost two whole months now these last few days feel yukky. even my circulation gone to pots and that is simply not on with flights and five days of stress. am worried stressed hassled depressed and generally pissed off.
why oh why cant my life be more simple? more calm and tranquill. am a total nervous wreck and cant get back on track and certainly wont get back on track by monday morning 7am.........
am stopping smoking today - last fag for the time being hoping that the time being will be yonks and yonks and yonks will be after i have popped into mary major basilica to pledge an oath. i dont like my smoking probably enjoy 1 out of 5 that i smoke. i hate the subterfuge hate the smell hate the dependence hate just about everything. i managed years and years without so can do it again.
here's looking at you kid :-))))))))

hate leaving sis on her tod after she has had such a stressful week being unwell and jak unwell too. am gonna find out if she can get a certificate for staying at home still sending jak to asilo but not having to rush off left right and centre to keep things going. am sure there's a way. and am sure ferrante that arsehole of a wanker would accept one day yes one day no or maybe ten til two each day or maybe working from home. anything that can be done on home computer let sis do it. am sure am sure tis the right solution for her. i just gotta find out a few things and then worm my way into sis' head hahahahahah
am in pissawful bad mood and period due too.....ho hum ho hum :-(((((

me today!!!

just copying an email that i wrote to u michael, uncle doug and uncle frank hahahaahah lazy i know but there you have it.
"This will be a chatty email to read while having a cup of tea!
Am in work and to be honest should be doing everything that I didn’t do during the week but I simply cannot be bothered and feel like wasting time. As you can tell am on my own on Saturdays so do what I like hahahahahaha.
Sonia went to a birthday party last night. I took her there and thought it was a run-of-the-mill thing. Normally for birthday parties people rent out a pizzeria get all the kids in to eat together then birthday cake and presents at the end of the evening. About three hours all in all. This ‘do’ yesterday was in a posh nightclub with a huge bouncer on the door. Very professional he had a list of names that he ticked off as he let the kids in. I was a bit worried about the whole affair but apparently the mother rented out the whole night club for the evening and got in a catering service and a dj for the occasion. I cant begin to think of the cost……and of course Sonia and her friends including the birthday girl had a smashing time. I had a word with one of the mums who was staying there during the whole affair and she gladly agreed to bring Sonia back after the evening because there was no way I was going to stay there and Sonia was brought back safe and sound at midnight….midnight I ask you. Then she talked about the evening til 1am. Dancing the night away at 13??!!! I really hope it’s a one off and anyway I know for sure that none of the other families have that kind of money to throw away!!!
Simon was due to go to Madrid next week with the school but there has been a muddle with the hotel booking and it looks like the whole thing has been called off. So we are waiting to see what’s what. THIS ISNT TOTALLY TRUE BASICALLY SIMON BACKED OUT AND I HAD TO PAY A PENALTY. AM VERY RELIEVED THOUGH THE MONEY WASTED HURTS HAHAHAHA. I DIDNT LIKE THE WHOLE PROGRAMME TO START WITH AND I DONT THINK IT WAS ORGANISED VERY WELL. I STILL DONT KNOW WHY SIMON WITHDREW FROM THE TRIP THOUGH I HAVE A VAGUE IDEA IT HAS TO DO WITH A CONFRONTATION WITH THE SPANISH TEACHER AND THE FACT THAT TOO MANY OLDER KIDS ARE GOING AND NOT ENOUGH FROM HIS CLASS.
He is doing very well in school and I honestly don’t know how he manages to study go to the gym and have such a hectic social life.
Sonia had her mid term school report and I was very pleased indeed because before Christmas she wasn’t pulling her weight in three subjects. It’s a very serious affair here when you’re in the last year of middle school as in May they have ‘finals’ so-to-speak. They have to pass all their exams (external ) in order to get the middle school certificate in order to get into high school. Lot of pressure and so much studying unbelievable just like the old O’levels though we were older. Well Sonia has worked harder than ever and is fine now but honestly the stress all this brings is incredible.
Tonight we are going to a photographic exhibition.
A friend of mine has just become a professional photographer after doing a number of courses and being acknowledged by various famous associations and has her first public exhibition so me and the kids are going to the opening affair.
Mark has been in Tokyo for the last two days due back tomorrow night and it will take him two days to get over the flight. Tokyo is always tough and then he leaves again on Wednesday. THIS IS TRUE BUT WHAT I DIDNT WRITE IS HOW NERVOUS AND DEPRESSED HE IS LATELY. I HOPE ITS JUST A QUESTION OF BEING OVER TIRED BUT HONEST HE IS UNBEARABLE WHEN AT HOME.
Mum and I had lunch together yesterday as I didn’t have to rush back home as usual as both kids had other things to do in school so grabbed a piece of pizza for lunch. So we had a leisurely lunch in a local restaurant and it was so relaxing to be out and passing the time in idle chat. I always vow to do it more often!!!
I saw Silvia and Jack earlier in the week and that little one is a joy to play with, to hold, to watch. He is such a character and a cheeky little devil. He grins and tilts his head and looks at you and gosh you just want to scoop him up and smother him in kisses hahahahahaha.
Scorpio is the best ever and such a funny thing. For the last ten days he has taken to sitting on the windowsill as from 1pm knowing that I am about to turn down my road to get home. I look up and he is there staring. He waits until he sees me getting in the main door then runs to the front door and as soon as I open it I find him sitting placidly waiting. The first time I thought it was sweet, 2nd time adorable, third, fourth, fifth amazing then I had to get the family to witness it and they are just as gobsmacked as I am. Honestly he is something else!!!
SAW A LOVELY FILM WITH DUSTIN HOFFMAN AND EMMA THOMPSON 'LAST CHANCE HARVEY' A REALLY LOVELY FILM. I SAW IT ON THE PC IN THE CORRIDOR AFTER A HARROWING DAY AND IT REALLY MADE ME LOL AND AT THE END I WAS SMILING IT WAS SUCH A NICE NICE FILM.
Lots of love always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cfb i aint written for yonks!!!

blimey so much time has passed. had a fright last night cos mum said her knee was swollen but this morning she seemed ok and i slept badly which is such a shame considering he was in ba grgrgrg i woke up suddenly at about 5ish with an ache in my back like i had eaten potatoes and they had got stuck in my digestive system or whatever. didnt like it a bit tho the cat did cos he was up and at 'em so i gave him some attention including food. cute he is and always following me around watching me obvservant. he got onto the exercise bike while i went to the bog and as i passed him he stuck his paw out and caught me on my arm claw right in deep i lol he is sooooooooo cute.
sony is hyper and disorganised and so carica carica. dentist went well and will have piastrine put in end of january. we rowed and rowed from moment we got out to go to dentist to the moment she went into her room at 9pm. i was dying to finish 'lady chatterley' but had to wait for the kids to settle down in their rooms. quite a book v hopeful and profound and genuinely lovely.
am still thinking of the awakening by chopin which is another memorable book.
am bored tho grateful. dont get me wrong i need a buzz something to remind myself am pretty attractive still. what's wrong with all those wankers out there.....mahhhhh cfb paula just chopped off all connections with no explanation. that hurt a bit i must admit especially after thousands and thousands of emails. not even a text to say 'over and out' which would have been better. mahhhhh i think constantly of g and who he's with how he is etc etc - is it love??? infatuation?? what??? i dont know but he gave me a lot and now am living off my dreams tho at the moment dont have any dreams cos nowt to look forward to if u see what i mean.
am still smoking not much at all and can go a few days without well have gone two days without then said to myself wtf pure questo devo rinunciare. when i read g's letters ( 2 i kept ) i still cfb he dumped me. i kid myself it's cos he knew i wouldnt leave the family to start afresh over there. i kid myself it's cos he loved me too much to share me, to have a long-distance affair etc etc. he was perfect for me albeit shitty character moody and introspective and selfish. he was big burly handsome butch sexy and man what a kisser let alone all the rest :-(((((((((((( good catch too cos has money oh well have blown that one.....hahahahahah
spent a great afternoon looking after jak last week what a laddie. so cute and inquisitive and so bright. big round eyes that look at you and that smile that creeps onto his face and breaks out into a giggle that makes you envelop him in your arms and nuzzle your face in his hair....man alive i love that baby to bits. what a marvellous job lems has done there hahahahaha
simes went to see hichako yesterday with eleonora and cried all the way through i cant even think of that film without wanting to bawl my eyes out hahahahahaha wonder wat there is between simes and eleonora ......go out quite often together they do.
money dire despite playing win for life and winning 12euros and despite sis being so generous with her liquidation from aviatour. i only just managed to pay 300euros to the dentist yesterday. got so many things to pay for and Heaven knows how i'll pay for simes UN thing......mahhhh
i wish i could give mum hope for the uk but i simply dont know how to go about it. sony doesnt want to go to liceo here and has more than suggested finishing her schooling over there but how on earth can i up and leave now???? simes is in third year of high school and the next two years are of fundamental importance so if ever am to make a move it cant be before 2012 and with all my health worries ( mammogram / intestine / thyroid ) i dont even know how am gonna survive anyway......
musnt analyse so much should just get on with it but when i was with g it was so much more worthwhile. i had something to gloat about i was alive i was loved and desired and i was kept on my toes and was so totally alive in every way.
ok musnt go on so much - if its meant something will come up. last year in january i was probably in much the same mood ( with less health scares albeit and less anxiety where kids were concerned ) but nevertheless no buzz no nowt nothing and then all of a sudden end of january paula appeared on friends united and then in march i had that huge buzx which resulted in meeting martin tho nowt has come out of it hahahahaha however must keep hopeful :-))))))))))))))))