cfb i aint written for yonks!!!

blimey so much time has passed. had a fright last night cos mum said her knee was swollen but this morning she seemed ok and i slept badly which is such a shame considering he was in ba grgrgrg i woke up suddenly at about 5ish with an ache in my back like i had eaten potatoes and they had got stuck in my digestive system or whatever. didnt like it a bit tho the cat did cos he was up and at 'em so i gave him some attention including food. cute he is and always following me around watching me obvservant. he got onto the exercise bike while i went to the bog and as i passed him he stuck his paw out and caught me on my arm claw right in deep i lol he is sooooooooo cute.
sony is hyper and disorganised and so carica carica. dentist went well and will have piastrine put in end of january. we rowed and rowed from moment we got out to go to dentist to the moment she went into her room at 9pm. i was dying to finish 'lady chatterley' but had to wait for the kids to settle down in their rooms. quite a book v hopeful and profound and genuinely lovely.
am still thinking of the awakening by chopin which is another memorable book.
am bored tho grateful. dont get me wrong i need a buzz something to remind myself am pretty attractive still. what's wrong with all those wankers out there.....mahhhhh cfb paula just chopped off all connections with no explanation. that hurt a bit i must admit especially after thousands and thousands of emails. not even a text to say 'over and out' which would have been better. mahhhhh i think constantly of g and who he's with how he is etc etc - is it love??? infatuation?? what??? i dont know but he gave me a lot and now am living off my dreams tho at the moment dont have any dreams cos nowt to look forward to if u see what i mean.
am still smoking not much at all and can go a few days without well have gone two days without then said to myself wtf pure questo devo rinunciare. when i read g's letters ( 2 i kept ) i still cfb he dumped me. i kid myself it's cos he knew i wouldnt leave the family to start afresh over there. i kid myself it's cos he loved me too much to share me, to have a long-distance affair etc etc. he was perfect for me albeit shitty character moody and introspective and selfish. he was big burly handsome butch sexy and man what a kisser let alone all the rest :-(((((((((((( good catch too cos has money oh well have blown that one.....hahahahahah
spent a great afternoon looking after jak last week what a laddie. so cute and inquisitive and so bright. big round eyes that look at you and that smile that creeps onto his face and breaks out into a giggle that makes you envelop him in your arms and nuzzle your face in his hair....man alive i love that baby to bits. what a marvellous job lems has done there hahahahaha
simes went to see hichako yesterday with eleonora and cried all the way through i cant even think of that film without wanting to bawl my eyes out hahahahahaha wonder wat there is between simes and eleonora ......go out quite often together they do.
money dire despite playing win for life and winning 12euros and despite sis being so generous with her liquidation from aviatour. i only just managed to pay 300euros to the dentist yesterday. got so many things to pay for and Heaven knows how i'll pay for simes UN thing......mahhhh
i wish i could give mum hope for the uk but i simply dont know how to go about it. sony doesnt want to go to liceo here and has more than suggested finishing her schooling over there but how on earth can i up and leave now???? simes is in third year of high school and the next two years are of fundamental importance so if ever am to make a move it cant be before 2012 and with all my health worries ( mammogram / intestine / thyroid ) i dont even know how am gonna survive anyway......
musnt analyse so much should just get on with it but when i was with g it was so much more worthwhile. i had something to gloat about i was alive i was loved and desired and i was kept on my toes and was so totally alive in every way.
ok musnt go on so much - if its meant something will come up. last year in january i was probably in much the same mood ( with less health scares albeit and less anxiety where kids were concerned ) but nevertheless no buzz no nowt nothing and then all of a sudden end of january paula appeared on friends united and then in march i had that huge buzx which resulted in meeting martin tho nowt has come out of it hahahahaha however must keep hopeful :-))))))))))))))))